'As anyone knows who's been through heartbreak knows, you need to find your way back to your self' - Armistead Maupin - Tales of the City
A broken heart, few of us ever escape that one, but why is it that some people bounce back and move on, whilst others are left devastated, believing they will never find love again?
Knowing that I was writing this blog, a friend who has been through a debilitating heartbreak, asked me to share their experience: 'The first year was tough, the second year was worse, and by the third year I thought I was going mad.'
The author Howard Jacobson captures the pain of this in his novel, The Finkler Question: ‘just when you think you've overcome the grief you are left with the loneliness’.
It is always necessary to consider being broken hearted within the context of other endings you may have experienced throughout your life. Loss, abandonment and grief never leave us, and heartbreak can bring these feelings foreground again. What you thought you had processed, or kept compartmentalised, can come crashing back in.
The writer Dolly Alderton makes another good point, people going through a bad break-up are not just mourning the loss of the relationship, they are also suffering from the brutality of the ending, a painful mix of bruised ego and shame. As she says, "the way the relationship finished was shocking, out of your control and perhaps left you feeling powerless, confused or even ashamed and humiliated. Those are potent emotions, and you haven't been able to discharge them from your body."
Let's not forget, a relationship needs two people to make it happen, whereas a break-up is an individual experience. Perhaps the hardest part of a break-up is knowing that the other person is out there, moving on with their life, perhaps even enjoying themselves! Heartbreak means enduring unknowns. There is no blueprint, quick fix, or timeframe for recovery. No surprise then that 40% of people who go through heartbreak have clinically measurable depression.
In his popular Ted Talk, How To Mend A Broken Heart - 7 million views and counting - the psychologist Guy Winch, offers a toolkit on how to overcome heartbreak. He reminds us that 'heartbreak is not a journey, it is a fight.' You have to let go and accept it is over. Being honest with yourself about why the relationship was not right for you is key. According to Guy, 'hope' is the worst thing when your heart is broken, as it prevents you from moving on.
Letting go of 'hope' is an interesting idea. Are people with a certain psychopathology more prone to feelings of 'hope'? I believe so. They are more likely to be anxiously attached. They yearn inwardly for what is lost. Whereas people who have a more avoidant attachment style, yearn outwardly. They move on quickly to the possibility of the future.
Which brings us to the idea, proposed by the author Armistead Maupin, that the key to getting over heartbreak is to find your way back to yourself. I'm not sure this is the same as 'learning to love yourself before you can love anyone else' - I've never been keen on that one, I mean how long is a piece of string! Rather, my interpretation is that we find our way back to ourselves by going deep and being expansive, all the while taking 'exquisite care' of ourselves. By understanding our wounds, being aware of our triggers, and by exploring the shadows that being in an intimate relationship brings to the surface, we start to know ourselves deeply. The expansive part, involves engaging with something bigger than ourselves - reaching out, reconnecting, and finding purpose in those things we may have sidelined as we licked our wounds. All the while, done with 'exquisite care'. We need to look after ourselves as we find our way back to ourselves.
Guy Winch: How to Fix A Broken Heart - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM
Further reading:
If you have a Times subscription here's Dolly Alderton's article: https://www.thetimes.com/life-style/sex-relationships/article/dear-dolly-alderton-advice-column-boyfriend-breakup-jm0b7p2wn
Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey - Florence Williams
Notes on Heartbreak - Annie Lord
A Manual for Heartbreak - Cathy Rentzenbrink
Attached: Are You Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find - and keep love - Dr Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
Women Who Love Too Much - Robin Norwood
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