A few years ago, I wrote a blog titled, ‘Time To Abolish Boarding Schools?’ It was less of a question more of a statement, and I was surprised by the response I received to it.
I've had hundreds of emails from people wanting to share their boarding school experiences with me; experiences of trauma, abandonment, and grief, and the impact of that on their adulthood and their relationships. I have been invited onto radio and podcasts to talk about the topic. I have also received polite yet firm 'cautions' not to challenge the boarding school system.
Of course, all this makes me want to highlight the issue even more, and see real change happen. There is a long way to go, but I believe that the culture of sending children - some as young as 7-years-old - to boarding schools will come to an end soon.
I hold a clear, science-based argument about why sending children to boarding school is psychologically, emotionally and physically detrimental to a developing sense of self, and therefore has no place in a progressive society. You can read my original blog about this here.
Now you might imagine that people with a boarding school background come to therapy to talk about the brutality and abuse they experienced there. This is sometimes the case, but it is rare. What I am more likely to hear is, ‘It never did me any harm. I had a wonderful time at boarding school ... loads of chums ... great sports facilities.’
Of course, not everyone was bullied or suffered at the hands of sadistic teachers. Comfort at boarding schools is found in friendships and alliances. It's true, boarding schools usually have great facilities.
So why have you come to therapy? I ask.
And then slowly another story comes out about relationships that barely function, of feelings that have long been unexpressed, of conflict with family members and colleagues. The 'privileged' child does not ask the right questions, but they feel that something is wrong. Their bodies tell them something is wrong. Often there are physical symptoms that don't seem to have a cause. These may be soothed with coping mechanisms - food, alcohol, sex etc - that create further problems. There is often a confusion about their place in the world, and a lack of understanding about difference, diversity, gender and class, which can be detrimental.
What I also hear is that boarding school was a refuge. That it was a safe space away from the emotional paucity - and even violence - of the family home.
I am curious about this. Of course social services rarely get involved with middle class families, but many of the issues I hear about would warrant that. What is clear is that the lack of good enough attachment is embeded in the family structure. Often, parents and grandparents went to boarding school. The trauma is handed down. Research proves that inter-generational - epigenetic trauma - changes our DNA. This is chronic trauma.
Of course the 'privileged' child rarely sees it like this. They do not complain. The last thing they will do is challenge their boarding school experience. They think a lack of care and the paucity of attachment is normal, that it has benefitted them. They rarely question class structures, privileges and givens.
If unacknowledged and untreated, trauma will continue to be acted out into adult life. Men - and for that matter women/mothers who do not question patriarchy - have enormous capacity to inflict emotional and physical violence.
As for the boarding school survivor, to start thriving rather than just surviving, they will need to develop an open, curious mind. This can be hard. It is not for everyone. The ‘it never did me any harm’ narrative is entrenched. But that is a shame narrative. But remember, we are not indebted to these institutions. The shame is theres, not ours.
There is complexity within all of this, but I also truly believe that when we commit to an exploration of our experiences, we allow ourselves the possibility of better relationships, empathy for self and others, and a life-long self-care that is deeply political. This is thriving.
Further reading and research:
https://www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/ - Nick Duffell
https://www.piers-cross.com/ - Piers Cross is a coach who works with boarding school survivors and their partners.
https://seenheard.org.uk/ - a not for profit (CIC) that exists to support the emotional wellbeing of any adults who have attended boarding or independent day schools.
https://www.pepf.co.uk/about/ - PEPF is an organisation whose purpose is three-fold.1. To address the lack of comprehensive and objective data and information on the policies, operations and finances of UK private schools and other forms of private education such as tutoring.2. To bring evidence and fresh thinking to the issues of the educational and social impact of private schools and other forms of private education, and their presence and effect on UK institutions and governance.3. To enhance public knowledge and discussion of these issues and propose ways forward which improve education policy.
https://www.alexrenton.com/ - campaigning journalist an author of Stiff Upper Lip. Useful blogs.
Books and Articles
https://www.boardingrecovery.com/docs/lostforwords.pdf - Professor Joy Schaverien
Boarding School Syndrome: The Psychological Trauma of the ‘Privileged' Child - Professor Joy Schaverien
The Making of Them - Nick Duffell
A Very Private School - Charles Spencer
Trauma, Abandonment & Privilege: a guide to therapeutic work with boarding school survivors - Thurstine Basset and Nick Duffell
Sad Little Men: How Public Schools Failed Britain - Richard Beard
A Secure Base - John Bowlby
Attachment Theory The Basics - Ruth O'Shaughnessy, Katherine Berry, Rudi Dallos, Karen Bateson
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did). Philippa Perry
Legal Support
Dino Nocivelli - partner at Leigh Day who specialises in actions for child sexual abuse.
Political Support
Please contact your local MP and / or the Secretary of State for Education bridget@bridgetphillipson.co.uk
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