Lionel Ritchie has a lot to answer for. You see, back in the 80s there was a television ad for the Halifax bank, and being an impressionable teenager, it set the standard for how I wanted my life to be.
The guy in the ad wakes up in his cool loft apartment - by himself - and realises he has no milk in the fridge. His cat gives him a reproachful look, but at least he has his brand new debit card, which means he can withdraw money at any time. And so, as Lionel Ritchie croons ‘Easy Like Sunday Morning’, we see our protagonist returning home, with the Sunday papers, a coffee on the go, his cat now contented on his lap. As a teenager I loved what the ad stood for. The guy didn’t need to share his life with anyone - he was independent, self-sufficent, and had everything he needed.
As I've grown older, I’ve come to realise that life does not really work like that. No man is an island, and a swanky loft apartment is no substitute for connection. To ‘know thyself’ deeply we need to engage with something other than ourselves. It is connection - social interaction and intimacy - that gives us purpose and meaning. Connection makes us human. The truth is, we may need more than a cat. Though saying that, I am sure I could make a strong argument for the humanity of other sentient beings.
When it comes to relationships, it is coupledom that maintains social and cultural primacy. So where does that leave being single?
This is a topic that continues to resonate with me. Over the years, I have experienced long periods of being by myself and I am curious about that. I’ve rallied against it, got political about it, accepted it, enjoyed it, and felt sad about it, often at the same time. The W. H. Auden quote, 'to be free is often to be lonely' resonates with me. The relationship with self - and other - is one of the main reasons I became a psychotherapist.
Relationships are hard. They are not monolithic. For any relationship to stand a chance, we need to commit to the path of knowing ourselves: a fundamental understanding of our attachment style is a good start, so is being aware of our wounds and defences. Exploring our wants and needs and our impact on others is essential. When we do this, we are more likely to be able to communicate with a partner in a way that is heard. Of course, all of this is a life long process.
I believe that if we stripped away some of the social norms about coupledom, many more people would choose to be single, or choose other relationship models, and are probably more suited to that way of being.
Intentionally single people have learnt to question givens and expectations. This is not easy, and they don't always get it right, but we need more people like this! They understand that being in a couple just because that's what you do, creates misery.
After years of exploring this topic, the one thing I have come to appreciate is that 'singledom' needs to be acknowledged as a state of being which is equal to coupledom.
Single people are routinely discriminated against - single supplements, cinema seats, taxes, people who will only sell their house to ‘a nice family’ - even my spell check discriminates, it won’t acknowledge ‘singledom’ whilst it is quite happy with ‘coupledom’. My response to this: small acts of resistance. Sit in the best spot in the restaurant. On a villa holiday with friends? Do not put up with the twin bedroom, demand the double bed. Never buy a ‘meal for one’ - they’re always more expensive, whereas the regular option gives you two meals or seconds!
Of course, being alone is not the same as being lonely, though lonliness and a lack of intimacy can be an outcome of being by oneself. Then again, being in a relationship is no guarantee against lonliness and a lack of intimacy either.
Intimacy - In To Me See. Let’s talk about that. A lack of intimacy is known as ‘skin hunger'. The desire for sexual and non-sexual physical contact with others is a recognised psychopathological issue. Research indicates that affective touch activates the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain which impacts emotional and social behaviours, as well as learning and decision making. Other studies have drawn a link between touch and the capacity to fight off infections.
With all of this in mind, whether we are single or in a couple - it is important to develop other supportive and meaningful networks that create intimacy and connection, to question expectations and givens, and to reframe our attitude to what constitutes a relationship.
Further listening
Matthew Syed on BBC Radio 4's Sideways explores whether you can find joy and fulfillment in the single life. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0022cdk
Comments