Lionel Ritchie has a lot to answer for. You see, back in the 80s there was a television ad for the Halifax bank, and being an impressionable teenager, it set the standard for how I wanted my life to be. The guy in the ad wakes up in his cool loft apartment - by himself - and realises he has no milk in the fridge. His cat gives him a reproachful look, but hey, he has his debit card, which means he can withdraw money at any time of the day or night. And so, as Lionel Ritchie croons ‘Easy Like Sunday Morning’, we see our protagonist returning home, with the Sunday papers, a coffee on the go, his cat now contented on his lap. As a teenager I loved what the ad stood for. The guy didn’t need to share his life with anyone - he was independent, self-sufficent, and had everything he needed.
As I've got older, I’ve come to realise that life does not really work like that. No man is an island, and a multi-million pound loft apartment does not make up for meaningful relationships. To ‘know thyself’ we need to engage deeply with something other than ourselves. It is connection that makes us human. The truth is, we may need more than a cat. Though saying that, I am sure I could make a strong argument for the humanity of other sentient beings.
When it comes to connection, it is coupledom that maintains social and cultural primacy. So where does that leave being single?
This is a topic that continues to resonates with me. Over the years, I have experienced long periods of being by myself and I am curious about that. I’ve rallied against it, got political about it, accepted it, enjoyed it, and felt sad about it, often at the same time. The W. H. Auden quote, 'to be free is often to be lonely' resonates with me. The relationship with self - and other - is one of the main reasons I became a psychotherapist.
I believe that if we strip away some of the social expectation about being in a couple, many more people would choose to be single, and are probably more suited to this way of being. It is always helpful to understand what makes us tick: our neuro-developmental experiences, the interplay of this with shame and trauma, what our adult needs are, and how these may differ from what society tells us we should be doing.
It's rarely a case that single people would prefer to live in a cave, in fact many are independent and sociable, it's just that the parameters of normativity and gender expectations, within the context of their experiences, do not suit them. Intentionally single people often think deeply and feel deeply, whilst questioning givens and expectations. We need more people like this! They understand that going along with social expectations, being in a relationship because that's just what you do, and not knowing yourself deeply, creates misery.
After years of exploring this topic, the one thing I have come to appreciate is that 'singledom' needs to be acknowledged as a state of being which is equal to coupledom.
Single people are routinely discriminated against - single supplements, cinema seats, taxes, people who will only sell their house to ‘a nice family’ - even my spell check discriminates, it won’t acknowledge ‘singledom’ whilst it is quite happy with ‘coupledom’. My response to this: small acts of resistance. Sit in the best spot in the restaurant. On a villa holiday with friends? Do not put up with the twin bedroom, demand the double bed. Never buy a ‘meal for one’ - they’re always more expensive, whereas the regular option gives you two meals or seconds!
Of course there are many shadows to being single, such as lonliness and a lack of intimacy, though of course, being in a relationship is no guarantee against that either.
Perhaps the hardest part about being single is the lack of intimacy. In To Me See. 'Skin hunger', the desire for non-sexual physical contact with other people is a recognised psychopathological issue. Research indicates that affective touch activates the orbitofrontal cortex, an area of the brain which impacts emotional and social behaviours, as well as learning and decision making. Other studies have drawn a link between touch and the capacity to fight off infections.
With all of this in mind I can see why it is important to develop supportive and meaningful networks to create intimacy and connection, to question expectations and givens, and to reframe our attitude to being single.
Further listening
Matthew Syed on BBC Radio 4's Sideways explores whether you can find joy and fulfillment in the single life. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0022cdk
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